meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
