I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
