i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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