It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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