Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
