There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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