i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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