He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
