If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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