I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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