I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
