If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
