He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I understand Curling. That high.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
