Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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