let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
