I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
