can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
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we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
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Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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