I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
