yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
