My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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