No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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