I want you more than these girls want KFC
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
