You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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