rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
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i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
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I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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