Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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