omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
