YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
