like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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