I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
