I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
