I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
