my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
