I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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