We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
