btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
