I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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