that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
