when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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