There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
