i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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