I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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