im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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