You really coming over, don't trick.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
