Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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