so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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