So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
