we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
