It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
