I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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