You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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