I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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