The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
