I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
