Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We have started to decorate penises.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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