I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
