Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
