Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
