It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
