Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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