No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
