It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
