I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
