Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
