i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
