this beer tastes like vomit already
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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